The Past Is Never Dead
by feveroftheworld
Summary: Beth never dreams that she would have a real family until the Cullens adopt her as their own. But what happens when she is diagnosed with a inoperable brain tumor and only has sixth more months to live? Will Carlisle choose to save her or let her die?
1. Chapter 1

She placed the hospital's phone numbly back into its cradle. Tears were stinging the back of her eyes. She could not allow herself to cry here, not in front of everyone this way.

She walked swiftly down the corridor to where the doctors had their offices. As soon as she was alone, a horrific sob burst forth from her throat robbing her body of air.

She did not understand why she was so upset, she had spent more than half of her life hating her mother. Why did it matter now that she was dead? Her mother had been dead to her for a long time.

"Beth? Are you alright?"

Her head snapped up to see Dr. Cullen stepping out of his office. Every time she has ever seen him, he has stolen the breath from her body. Pale as a marble statue with a shock of blonde hair, and warm, golden eyes, he is the most beautiful man she has ever seen. And now those strange gold eyes were looking at her with genuine concern.

She brusquely wiped the tears from her cheeks. "I'm sorry, Dr. Cullen. I didn't mean to disturb you."

"Not at all. I just wanted to make sure you are alright." Again, those beautiful eyes were searching her face, his concern was breaking her heart.

"I'll be fine, thank you. I'll just get back to work now." She started to turn away but he stopped her.

"Well, why don't you step into my office while you compose yourself? I know that you wouldn't want the others to see you upset." He smiled softly.

He was always so perceptive. It seemed like everything she did he had already expected. He knew her too well, and yet she knew next to nothing about him.

She had been working with him for four years. She was the nurse he most often requested during his surgeries. He appreciated her work ethic, her quiet calm in the operating room, and the mysterious way she seemed to be able to comfort even the most incensed patients. In turn, she appreciated his vast knowledge, his beauty, and his unfailing kindness.

Finally, she nodded her head, "Thank you, Dr. Cullen."

He stepped aside and guided her into his office with a light hand on her back. She felt his cold touch through the thin fabric of her scrubs, but she was used to it now. It no longer made her jump when his skin touched hers. Pathetically, she stored away these few close moments with him and relived them when she found herself all alone again at the end of the day. Somehow, it made her feel less lonely.

She walked into his office and sat down in one of the two uncomfortable looking chairs in front of his desk. Dr. Cullen surprised her by sitting in the chair beside her, instead of his comfy, leather chair behind the desk.

She studied the pattern of the beige carpet at her feet, his stare as disconcerting as it was kind. After what seemed a long time, Dr. Cullen cleared his throat and said, "Beth, would you like to talk about it? I can assure you, you have my confidence."

"Yes, I know that." She said as tears started to stab at the corner of her eyes, "I know that you would never tell anyone, it's just…"

She trailed off and Dr. Cullen waited patiently for her to begin again. Finally, she sputtered, "It's just, well, I don't want to burden you. And I don't want you to look at me differently afterwards."

Dr. Cullen responded, "Well, of course you don't have to tell me, but I assure you there's nothing you could say to change my perception of you. And you won't burden me either, I enjoy helping others, remember?"

He smiled encouragingly at Beth and she tried to smile back, but it was more like a grimace.

She sighed and turned her head away from him, "My mother died today."

Dr. Cullen placed his hand lightly on her arm and said, "Oh, Beth, I am so sorry."

She became distracted by the cold, tingling sensation his touch inspired. She felt guilty for wanting his touch the way she did, she knew he had a wife. She knew he loved her more than anyone in the world. Beth was so used to being unloved that she didn't even feel jealous of his wife, Esme. She was just happy that he could be so happy.

He noticed her gaze on his hand and pulled his hand back. He'd interpreted her dark look wrongly, he thought she didn't like his cold skin. She wished she could pull his hand back, but she resisted.

Finally she said, "Don't be sorry. I hated her."

A surprised expression crossed his face briefly, but he easily regained control of his features. He had never heard her say she even disliked someone, much less hated someone. That this someone was her mother was very intriguing.

She felt compelled to explain herself to him, to show him she wasn't a bad person, but she was afraid. Once she told him she could never take it back. If she told him, he would always know her on an intimate level. And he might be horrified by what he would see.

She peeked to the side to measure his gaze, he was still looking at her so compassionately, and yet also expectantly. She sighed, "My mother has been in the mental hospital since I was eight years old. She, well, she did something horrible and has been locked up ever since."

She waited expectantly for him to excuse himself or to make some excuse about how he needed to go back to work. But he sat very still, almost too still, waiting for her to continue.

"She killed my little brother. Drowned him in the bathtub. He was only six-years-old. She tried to kill me too, but my dad came home in time to keep her from strangling me. She said she was protecting us, that after we were dead no one could hurt us anymore. She considered what she did as a kind of heroic action."

I scoffed at my own memory as an anger welled up within me, "Six months after she was put in the hospital for the criminally insane, my father committed suicide."

Dr. Cullen's piercing stare was heartbreaking in the way he openly mourned with her. His hand returned to curl around mine. He murmured, "Beth, I am so terribly sorry. No one deserves to go through something so horrible, especially an innocent girl."

"You want to know the worst part?" She said with her voice breaking, "I spent my whole life hating her, pretending that she was dead too. But now that she really is dead, I've realized that I am _all alone_. Now that she's dead, no one would even care if I ceased to exist. I have no one now."

Beth was sobbing openly now and Dr. Cullen's frozen fingers tightened around her hand. He tried to soothe her with shushing sounds, but that only made her cry harder. His other hand rubbed her back in circles and Beth had to resist the urge to go jumping into his lap.

He whispered to her, "That's not true, Beth. I would care if you ceased to exist. You are not alone. You have people who care about you."

"Do I?" she responded. "Because you are the only person I've ever felt compelled to tell my story. I've never had close friends. Not since I was eight years old. No one even knows who I am beyond my name and my occupation."

"I know who you are. That's more than nothing, isn't it?"

Everything in Dr. Cullen's face made her want to believe this so desperately. But she knew better than to have hope. Hope failed you. It punished those who believed.

She chose not to believe. She released Dr. Cullen's hand and abruptly stood up. She wiped the tears from her eyes and said, "I'm sorry, Dr. Cullen. I've wasted enough of your time. We have to be in surgery soon, so I better get back to work."

She walked stiffly to the door and Dr. Cullen called to her, "I'll be here for you, Beth, if you ever want to confide in me again."

"Thank you, Dr. Cullen." She said coldly, "But I believe I've taken up quite enough of your time."

She walked out of his office and was torn between relief and overwhelming loneliness. She wanted so desperately to be close to him, but she knew it was more than she could hope for. He didn't need her the way she needed him, and so for that reason she knew she could never let herself love him.


	2. Chapter 2

The operating room was silent except for the inconsolable sobbing of the little girl on the table. The surgical tech was lining up all of the instruments in perfect, organized lines, resolutely ignoring the child's wails. Beth had just finished the time consuming task of scrubbing in and walked over to the little girl.

"Sweetie," she said soothingly, "What are all those tears for?"

The girl's face was red with effort and snot and tears covered her skin. Beth took a tissue and wiped at her tears.

"What's wrong, Amy?" Beth said as she gently pressed the tissue to Amy's face.

"I don't want to have surgery!" She whimpered, "I'm scared!"

After Beth threw away the tissue, she replied, "There's nothing to be afraid of, sweetie. You're just getting your tonsils taken out. Easy peasy."

"Will it hurt?" Amy asked, fear sparking in her eyes.

"Of course not. You'll be asleep the whole time. And guess what?"

"What?"

"After you wake up, you'll get to eat all the ice cream you want!" Beth said with enthusiasm.

"Really?" Amy said, her eyes brightening up a little.

"Really." Beth said as she placed her cool hand on the girl's forehead. Amy seemed to relax almost immediately. She even had a tiny smile on her face.

Beth started to remove her hand when Amy said, "Wait!"

"Yes?" Beth replied as she covered Amy's hand with both of her own.

"Promise you won't leave? Promise to hold my hand?"

"Sure, sweetie. I'll be right here."

The girl sighed contentedly now and closed her eyes. It was strange, even to Beth, how anyone she touched would become automatically soothed. It was almost as if her cool hands held some sort of magic power over the sick. It was half of the reason why she was so good at her job.

As she stood holding the little girl's hand, she saw Dr. Cullen and the anesthesiologist scrubbing in. Her heart lurched with embarrassment as she stared at Dr. Cullen's perfect profile. She should have never told him about her past. Now things were bound to be awkward between them. He knew too much about her. More than she'd ever let anyone else know.

Dr. Cullen walked gracefully into the operating room with his hands extended from his body, waiting for the technician to help him with his gown and gloves. His eyes swept across her face briefly, but there was no flicker of recognition there. For some reason, Beth's heart dropped. She thought that she had wanted him to forget she ever said anything, but now that it seemed he had forgotten she felt lonely all over again.

After he was properly suited up, he walked over to Amy with a kind smile on his face. "Are we ready to get started, Amy?"

She looked to Beth as panic started to set in anew. Beth squeezed her hand and said, "Don't worry, sweetie. Dr. Cullen is the best doctor. He'll take good care of you."

"You promised to stay, remember?"

Beth smiled encouragingly, "I promise I'm not going anywhere."

"Okay," Amy looked up at Dr. Cullen, "I'm ready."

Dr. Cullen smiled brightly, "Very good. Now Amy, we're going to put this mask on your face and put you to sleep, okay?"

Amy nodded and held still as the anesthesiologist placed the mask over her face. As her eyes fluttered closed, Dr. Cullen turned to her and said, "Beth, are you ready?"

"Yes, Dr. Cullen." she responded as she released the little girl's hand and surgery began.

An hour later, Beth was standing by the nurses station filling out paper work. She absentmindedly listened to the other nurses gossiping.

"How old is Dr. Cullen supposed to be now?" The dark-haired nurse named Lisa asked.

Another nurse answered, "Well, I think he's thirty-five or something now?"

Lisa snorted derisively, "He doesn't look a day over twenty-five, at least."

Being a loner, Beth didn't normally take to gossip. Usually she considered the conversations of others rather mundane, but today they were talking about something she had thought about many times herself.

Dr. Cullen had been in Forks for all of ten years now. But as the years passed, he showed no signs of aging. No laugh lines, no wrinkles. His skin was as smooth as the first day she had ever seen him, his beauty never lacking. It was almost as if around him time came to halt. He was always so perfect. If she hadn't been so enamored with him, she would have said he was too perfect.

"Maybe on those days he takes off to go hiking with his family, he's actually getting plastic surgery." Lisa laughed.

"Oh, please, no plastic surgeon I know could make anyone look that good."

"What do you think, Beth?" Lisa asked her, "You're close to Dr. Cullen."

_I am?_ She thought to herself. She didn't believe anyone was close to Dr. Cullen, except for his family. She _wanted_ to be close to him, but that didn't make it a reality.

"Oh, I don't know. It's probably just good genes or something." Beth said lamely.

Lisa frowned at her. They were not the best of friends, obviously. Beth was too quiet and reserved, too strange for Lisa's liking. And maybe there was a hint of jealousy that Beth was supposedly close to the handsome doctor and she was not.

Lisa looked past her and said, "Incoming."

Beth turned to see Dr. Cullen walking up to her, seriously studying the chart in his hand.

When he reached where she stood, he stated, "I need you to take Mrs. Peterson to get a CT scan. I believe her condition is very serious, but we need to see the extent of the damage."

"Acute stroke?" She asked.

Dr. Cullen nodded gravelly, "Most likely so. The sooner we know the better."

Beth set aside her paperwork, "Okay, I'll get right on it."

Before she could leave his side, one of the nurses she worked with called out to her as she walked by, "Hey Beth, I can't wait to see you perform tonight! I know you're going to do great!"

"Thanks, Lucy." She replied as a blush crept across her face.

Dr. Cullen raised one perfectly shaped eyebrow, "You are performing this evening?"

She smiled and ducked her head, "Well, yes, I'm singing and playing the piano at the coffee shop tonight. It's just a small performance I do every month or so. It's no big deal really."

"Sure it is, Beth. Why haven't you told me about it before?"

Beth stammered, taken aback, "Well I just- I-I didn't think you would want to come. Honestly, it's not important."

"Of course it's important. And I would be glad to come see you. What time do you perform?"

She blushed so deeply she was sure her face was cherry red. "Really, Dr. Cullen, don't trouble yourself. I understand."

"Not at all, Beth. I'd love to come. What time?"

She made the mistake of looking into his golden eyes. The genuine interest shining there like lanterns made her momentarily forget her own name. Finally managed the single word, "Seven."

Dr. Cullen smiled, "I'll be there. And of course, I'm sure Esme would love to come as well."

"Of course." She breathed. After a pause, she said, "Well, I better go get Mrs. Peterson now."

He nodded, serious again, "Page me as soon as you get the results."

"Yes, Dr. Cullen."

As she walked away, she saw the dark disbelief on Lisa's face. She was just as surprised as Beth. Why was Dr. Cullen suddenly taking an interest in her less than mediocre life? Did he feel sorry for her now? Was this pity?

She tried to shake off the anger that was starting to climb up in between her shoulder blades. She didn't need his pity. She didn't want it. Now, she really wished she hadn't told him about her past. All she needed was someone trying to rush in and play savior only to bail when they couldn't fix her.

She didn't have friends for a reason. She wasn't incapable of making friends, she just knew that she didn't want any. She knew that anyone she let get close was a threat. She couldn't trust someone else not to break her heart. Not to tear off the chunks they wanted and throw away the rest. So much of her was already missing, she couldn't risk losing anymore.


End file.
